


Shag Or Die

by momentinsubtext



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-07-09
Updated: 2008-07-09
Packaged: 2018-02-15 08:45:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2222784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/momentinsubtext/pseuds/momentinsubtext
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There ought to be some sort of universal law against peaceful civilizations developing Shag or Die laws in his absence. It was beginning to get ridiculous. Between those and all the sex pollen, it was a wonder he'd ever been able to stay platonic with his companions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shag Or Die

**Author's Note:**

> Cross-posted from my Teaspoon account.

The planet they were actually on, Amberzene IX, should have never even been capable of developing a Shag or Die law, since the natives were pious as priests and not in possession of actual sexual organs. Not that that had stopped Jack, of course. No. He should have never let the man wander off on his own.  
  
Upon learning of his companions predicament, his first reaction was amusement, because wasn't that just like Jack? That amusement faded when he was told that he was also subject to the law - by association, the warden had said. The Doctor was pretty sure it was just because he was the only other person on the planet capable of having sex.  
  
  
  
"This is not my fault."  
  
"How, exactly, is it not your fault?" The Doctor asked, glaring at Jack from across the room. He pulled the thick woolen blanket tighter around himself. "I'm about a hundred percent sure _I_ didn't make an inappropriate proposal to the High Priestess."  
  
"Alright, so it's a little my fault," Jack conceded.  
  
"It's entirely your fault," the Doctor shot back, then frowned. "You could at least act a little bit upset by all this."  
  
"Why?" Jack asked, genuinely confused. "They said they'd let us go if we-"  
  
"I know what they said!" The Doctor shrieked.  
  
"You're doing wonders for my ego here, Doc."  
  
"Your ego deserves it."  
  
"Hey!" Jack protested. "This might be my fault-"  
  
"Now you admit it," the Doctor muttered.  
  
"But it wasn't my idea. You think I wanted our first shag to be a result of Shag or Die?"  
  
"We're not having a first shag! We're not having sex! At all! Ever!"  
  
"Of course not," Jack said, nodding.  
  
"We're really not."  
  
  
  
"STDs!" The Doctor shouted suddenly, startling Jack, who had been asleep and had decidedly not decided to cover himself. "That's why we can't have sex."  
  
"Um. . ." Jack blinked rapidly, trying to clear the sleep-haze from his brain.  
  
"STDs are bad, Jack."  
  
"Wait, what are we talking about?"  
  
"We can't have sex because we might get STDs," the Doctor explained patiently.  
  
"I don't have any STDs!" Jack protested. "All clean. You shouldn't have any STDs either. I thought that new body of yours was still. . .virginal."  
  
"It's not a dirty word, Jack."  
  
  
  
"What about pregnancy?"  
  
"I"m on the pill," Jack said without thinking, then paused. "You're an alien."  
  
"My mother was human. It could happen."  
  
"Cool."  
  
"No, Jack. We're _not_ having a baby. We're not even having sex."  
  
"We'll see."  
  
  
  
The Doctor was quickly running out of reasons not to sleep with Jack. This was good for Jack because, one, that would get them out of there, and two, Jack really wanted to sleep with the Doctor. Even moreso now that he'd seen the Amberzenian guards strip him. He hadn't _really_ protested all _that_ much. Not for a guy who didn't want to have sex.  
  
He was currently going on about how he wished they hadn't taken his sonic screwdriver. Jack briefly considered telling him about the blaster hidden in portable hyperspace somewhere on his person, if only to see the look on his face when he realized Jack meant for him to find it. Then he remembered that telling the Doctor that he still carried a weapon would almost certainly decrease his chances of getting laid.  
  
While Jack had been thinking about his gun (in a completely non-metaphorical, non-sexual way), the Doctor had finally managed to stop looking like an abused puppy. This was a good thing, because that look always made Jack feel dirty in an unpleasant, almost paedophilliac way. (Ironic, considering). He moved to sit next to the Doctor, shoulders almost touching  
  
The Doctor gave him a long look. "You better not start molesting me."  
  
  
  
"We haven't even had a proper kiss yet."  
  
"Hmm?" Jack asked, lifting his head from the Doctor's shoulder - where it had fallen during his latest catnap.  
  
"That thing you gave me on the Gamestation doesn't count. Wasn't a real kiss," he continued. "Worse, it was a _grandmother_ kiss."  
  
"I didn't think you'd appreciate a full-on snog in front of Rose."  
  
"I probably wouldn't have," the Doctor conceded. "It still doesn't count."  
  
"If I kiss you will you shag me so we can go?"  
  
"What?" The Doctor asked, turning to stare at Jack.  
  
"It was worth a shot."  
  
"Jack, leave me alone. I'm trying to think of a way out of here that doesn't get us killed."  
  
"We _have_ a way out of here that doesn't get us killed," Jack pointed out. "You just won't take it."  
  
"Sex is never the answer."  
  
"That's violence."  
  
"The principle is the same."  
  
"No, it isn't."

 

"Doctor," Jack said. "You see that -admittedly handsome- guard standing outside the room?"

The Doctor made a non-committal noise.

"If we aren't doing _something_ in the next ten minutes, that gun he's carrying is going to stop being a nice accessory and start being very bad for us."

"I'll think of something."

"Like hell you will."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You've been trying to think of another way out for almost twenty-four hours."

"So?" The Doctor started pacing, Jack walking alongside him.

"You're not going to think of something _now_."

"I-"

"You're going to have to shag me."

"No!" The Doctor said shrilly. "I'm not going to shag you!"

"Why _not?_ "

"I don't do one night stands. I _can't_ do one night stands."  
  
"Who said anything about a one night stand?"  
  
"But you're. . .you're. . ."  
  
"I'm what?"  
  
"You're _you_." He waved his hands about. "You're _Jack_. You're the most one night stand-y person I've ever met."  
  
"I see," Jack said, his voice so carefully neutral the Doctor stopped pacing to stare at him. "Three minutes. Try not to regenerate into someone ugly, okay?" His usually expressive eyes were blank; unreadable.  
  
The Doctor was suddenly terrified. Frowning, he pressed his hand to Jack's forehead, then his cheek, checking for fever. "Jack?"  
  
"Doctor." Still that carefully too neutral voice.  
  
"What... just happened?"  
  
"I think I just gave up on you." He smiled, but there was emotion behind it. "I didn't think I was capable of that."  
  
"Neither did I," the Doctor said, unable to shake the feeling that he'd just made a terrible mistake.  
  
Jack shrugged. "Congratulations. You're unattainable."  
  
"But-but-but- you're _Jack!_ "  
  
"So you've said."  
  
"You _never_ give up!"  
  
"I waited over a hundred years for you to come back for me. I rebuilt Torchwood in your honour. I kept your _hand_ in a _jar_. If you still think all I want is a one night stand, there's nothing I can do _but_ give up. Two minutes."  
  
The Doctor stared at Jack blankly for a few seconds before his eyes widened almost comically. " _Jack!_ " he exclaimed. "I'm a dense, thick, blind, deaf, _stupid_ old man. My brain doesn't work the same way yours does. I don't _notice_ things like that without having them repeatedly drilled into my head. Why didn't you just _say_ something?"  
  
"Didn't think I was exactly being subtle."  
  
"Did you not hear the 'dense, thick, blind, deaf, stupid old man' thing?" His eyes darted toward the door, where the guard was slowly approaching. "Right. Talking can wait until we're not in danger of being killed, yeah? Yeah, okay."  
  
Before Jack had time to think, the Doctor had tackled him onto the plush bed the Amberzenian's had kindly provided for them.


End file.
